My First Treasure

 

My one thing that I can cling in this world, thank you for always be there for me...

This one is for you

When confusion clouds my mind,

You came to me and you smile,

Suddenly I feel as if everything's okay,

Lost in your smile, all at once I'm swept away...

When trouble falls upon me like rain,

When the world becomes what they call a lonely place,

You carry me through, from dreary skies the sun breaks through....

And when the time comes where I have to leave your place,

Just call me and I'll hurry towards you,

I'll warm you up with an embrace...

You can always count on me,

Always and forever, I'll stand right next to you.

My cute chocolate chip muffin

Saturday, March 20

Clear and sunny. My parents went out to visit their friends and leave me alone here, in the house. The boredom for being left alone made me want to clean my room. I’ve been so busy lately with all my classes and assignments that I neglected my room. And, when I start cleaning my room, I end up cleaning the whole place. Cleaning…..and cleaning….and without me noticing, my things started to get cluttered. Cleaning does bring us unexpected surprise sometimes. I discovered a lot of memorable things that I kept, letters I got from my friends, hand-me-down from my mom, my online discovery, my first purchase at the flea market as a student. All this reminiscence made me craved something sweet. Chocolate chip muffin sounds good, right?

The ingredients that we need are butter, egg, flour, sugar, yoghurt and chocolate chips. Melt the butter and mixed with the milk. Pour the sugars right into that bowl and whisk a little to bring it together. Then, add the eggs and yogurt and give them a whisk. It will turn to a nice homogenous, fluid mixture. Pour this nice mixture into the flour and give it a whisk again until it was combined. And now it’s time for the chocolate. I put as many chocolate chips as I desired and bake them in a hot oven.

The waiting time made me visualize that if I ever lived in a huge, magnificent castle, I’d have all my favourite things placed around me. But, in this castle I lived now, my countless ‘favourite things’ can only be stored on one set of shelves. There’s no way that’s possible to keep all my ‘favourite things’. My bountiful love is spilling over.

Now, I need to find a new home for the ‘favourites’ that won’t fit. There’s a limit to how much I can store here, but this packed space lets me be myself without ever changing. On the other hand, if I make space, I can also fill it with new ‘favourites.’ I’m not saying it’s better either way, but keeping some spaces blank might’ve looked cool, too. There’s some space I my castle now. Let’s discover more ‘favourites’ to bring home.  

 

Meals that will keep you warm~

        Tonight, I finished all the seasons and all the chapters of manga food wars. Realizing that that was the last episode of the anime, I felt…lonely. This anime series was always with me as far as I know, on the day when I felt lonely, on the day when there’s no one for me to talk to, on the day when I can’t sleep no matter how hard I try and also on the day when I was overwhelmed with all the responsibility for me as an adult. All the while, there was always another episode for me to watch.

        As anyone who’s fallen in love with a story knows, feelings of hopelessness and emptiness are normal after finishing a deeply engaging series. It is the sadness felt after reading or watching a really long series. The bitter feeling when you know the journey is over but you don’t want it to end. This is exactly what I feel right now.

        Even so, in the end, I can’t help but feeling jealous towards them. I hope I also can find someone who I want to spend the rest of my life with, just like the protagonist. To have someone you want to cook more than anyone else, someone special. Someone you want to dedicate the best food you’ve ever made to, forever. I guess there’s not many people who got luck as he did, to have the chance to be with the person he loves, forever. I understand that because I can’t even meet with the person I longed for, for years. 

 

My Name, the gift you gave me

 

    The sun shines through with a red afterimage on the other sides of my eyelids. With the notebook and pen in my cheap bag, I’m giving up. I still remember the moon that I saw at the midnight yesterday. But, no matter how much I draw, it isn’t pretty and it’s not the fault of the paint that I chose.

    Lately, I’ve been searching for the reason if I’m able to remain as myself.  ‘I guess no one would notice if I were gone’, I whispered as I looked up to the sky, alone. Then amid the wind from somewhere far of, I heard you called out my name ~ a gift that allowed me to remain who I am.

    Whenever I’m darkened by sadness and my tears overflow, whenever my heart floods with loneliness and begins to waste away… I will always remember the name that you gave me, the only reason that I’m allowed to live as I am now.

Thanks for giving me a reason to live proudly, with the name you gave me. 

Ramadan Mubarak

    I wish you can see the mise-en-scene of my room right now as I’m currently writing this email to you, because it is the coziest setting ever. Looking outside the window, the sunset itself mesmerized me. The bright red-orange colour, the wind that blew ever so softly as the sun was its peak to set completely,ready to welcome the holy month of the year. It’s 7pm in the evening, I’ve just finished washing up myself, and I’m already in my telekung, waiting for umi and Abah before going to the masjid together to perform our first taraweeh for this year. And here I am snuggled in the corner of my bed, sitting cross-legged with my laptop on my…lap. ‘Harapan Ramadhan’ by Raihan is playing which gives me plenty of *feels* as I write this entry. 

    Yes, we’ve come to the first Ramadan of 2021 and may Allah give us the strength to fulfill the needs of this month. Since last year was a pandemic year, tonight will be more exciting because we are allowed to perform taraweeh at the masjid. It certainly gives more *feels* of Ramadan to me as we are able to meet other people and perform taraweeh together. I miss those feelings and I hope I’ll be able to not skip any taraweeh this year too.

    I hope we can do our utmost best for this Ramadan despite our busy schedules. I pray that our Ramadan this year will be filled with nothing but goodness, blessings and closeness to Him and I pray that I have the honour to write again for Ramadan in the next year, In shaa Allah.

(wrote this on first Ramadan but forgot to publish it --')

Circumstances

"I am just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her"

-Notting Hill-

This line got me everytime.

A successful, independent woman don't crave for materials. Perhaps what she seek is someone who is matured enough to accept her.

If anyone ever asks me, what is marriage?

For me, it is a contract between two people to give each other their right, to fulfill responsibilities, 

So simple....and beautiful....

(The picture is from ReLife manga, just thought that this picture just fit with my rambling this time)

 

Mother

 

My siblings often told me that my love for my mom was abnormal, that my love for my mom was too much and that I will do anything just to make her happy. But I don’t think that’s true at all. My sibling told me that I never disagree in whatever my mom told me, always follow her point of view, always think that my mom was right all the time in whatever kind of situation. But I think that’s just because I love her so very much. I think that’s what you do when you love someone. It does not mean that I blindly follow all her words without thinking at all but I just take all her advices and make it convenience for me. What’s she said was not wrong but that does not mean that it was right, but I don’t see any reasons to argue and ignore her words. It is just her way to convey that she loves me with giving me advices, reminds me when I’m wrong and I don’t see anything that makes my love for my mom was abnormal. I think my siblings just jealous with how much love I had for my mom.

I just love my mom so very much. I still remember when I was a little girl, my parents often asked me the same question as any parents would ask. They asked me, “which do you love the most? Is it mom or dad?”. I remember that I struggled to answer that because I knew that I love my mom the most but at the same time I did not want to disappoint my father. So, I just answered that I love them both equally. My memory just ended like that until my mom told me the continuation of that situation later when I was already an adult. It turns out after I told them that I loved both of them equally, I would go to my mom and whispers to her ears saying “but I love you the most mom” thinking that my dad wouldn’t hear that. How naïve of me but that just proves how much I love her since I was just a little girl.

I remember that when I was a kid I hated going to my mother’s hometown. I just hated all of them. I hated my mom’s siblings, I hated my cousins, I hated my mom’s parent, I hated the fact that my mom will left me playing with my cousins alone and she will go somewhere else that I didn’t knew about. I hated my cousins because they are older than me and always making fun of me when it was not funny at all. But I can’t do anything since they were older than me and that fact frustrates me the most. I hated my aunts and uncles because when I did something wrong, they always laughed at me and did not bother to correct me at all. All they did was different from my mom. It was so uncomfortable. I hated going there so very much. Whenever my mom told me that we’re going there, I always wished that I was sick so I don’t need to be there. But, whenever I see her enjoying her time at her parents’ house, enjoying the company of her siblings while reminiscing their memories together, I just shut my mouth and never complained anything to her. I just want to see her enjoying her time there even though it was hell for me. I can go there as many time as she wants me to be if that could bring her smile. She also must love her mother the same way I loved her. Oh, how I wish she knew how much I love her and realized that I would do anything to make her happy.

But lately, my mom seems to be disappointed in me. She said that I was different. She said that I changed. But I think I was the same old girl I always been. My mom said it was wrong of me to be mad at her. Well, I’m sorry for having emotions but I can’t help for being frustrated when she ignores me. I aware that she was busy but I’m just a human with lots of emotions. I tried my best to control my feelings from taking over me but it seems like I failed. I disappoint her. But, nobody ever bothers to listen to me at all. Not even her. Everyone around me just busy giving me advices, saying that I was wrong, saying that I had no right to do that to my mom when they did not know how much I love my mom and how much I hope that I will never make her sad. But I’m sorry mom, I did not realize that after all, I’m just a weak human. She said that she had high expectations for me, she cannot tolerate when I make some mistakes because I’m her special daughter. I’m aware of that because all my life, I always try no to be a burden to her, I always try to be the best daughter in the world so she’ll never had any worries. Even though she treats me the same as my other siblings, I never complained and I tried harder than anyone else to be a better daughter. And I did not mind that at all because I never asked for anything in return, I just want to make this life easier for her by having me as her daughter. Nobody will ever know how much I love my mom, not even my mom.